To our darling Jack

Your daddy didn't believe the home pregnancy test which said we were expecting you. After 2 and a half years and 2 failed IVF attempts, he wasn't convinced we'd managed to make you all by ourselves. He bundled me into the car and up to the doctor. There were plenty of 'happy' tears when she confirmed you were on the way. She sent us for an ultrasound. There wasn't much of you to see yet, but at least we could see that you were really there. After all our efforts, she called you a 'precious' pregnancy but we already knew that. I made sure I ate everything I was supposed to and didn't eat anything I wasn't and I gave up smoking. Daddy wouldn't spray the lawn with any weed killer and I wasn't allowed to clean the bathroom because of the fumes. We weren't taking any chances.

We got to the 12 week 'safe' period without any problems but we were still a little paranoid. I didn't want to buy anything for the nursery yet. I didn't want to jinx anything. Before we knew it, it was 18 weeks and we were off for another ultrasound. There was a lot more of you to see this time around and what a joy it was. You had everything you were supposed to have and it was all where it was supposed to be. Your arms and legs were waving about all over the place. You were moving so much that the lady had trouble measuring what she was supposed to measure.

As my belly grew, so did our excitement but I was still a little paranoid. I still wasn't ready to buy anything for the nursery. I would sit and watch and feel you wriggling around inside me and daddy would put his head on my tummy and listen and feel you when he had a chance. We were enjoying waiting for you.

Before we knew it, Christmas was here. Your great grandma and her sister came to visit. It was 30+ weeks and grandma was delighted to see how big and fat I was getting. We started to buy things for you and the nursery. We had such fun setting everything up. We decided on 'Lemon and Lime' with a 'Teddy Bear' theme. It was a very special time and I wasn't paranoid anymore.

At 32+ weeks we went for another ultrasound. There wasn't anything wrong, the doctor just wanted to double check everything with our 'precious' pregnancy. You did very well, scoring 10 out of 10. This time we got a video of you and proudly showed it to anybody who came over. This was also the day we found out you were a boy, our little Jack. We had less than 8 weeks to go until your arrival and we waited with anticipation, wondering what you'd look like and how big you'd be. The doctor guessed about 7 - 7 and a half pounds.....

Your cousins liked to talk to you and poke you through my tummy and they always kissed you good night. My ever expanding and very round belly was a source of delight to them and to us. I went for my weekly check-up on Tuesday. The doctor said everything was fine. I had lost a little weight and my blood pressure was up slightly, nothing to worry about. You were active, a little less than normal, but active none the less and your heart beat was strong.

I don't know how I knew (instinct I guess) but I knew that something wasn't right. I rang the doctor on Friday night and he told us to go to the hospital the following morning. When we arrived they put me on the heart monitor straight away. My heart beat was there, loud and strong but they couldn't find yours.

It was 35+ weeks, everything was supposed to be okay.

On the 27th of January, 1996 at 14:02 hours and weighing 4 Lb. and 15 Oz, you were born. You were so perfect ... so beautiful... so still ...

I don't know why you weren't allowed to stay with us. I think we would have made good parents and I know we both love you very much. I guess that just wasn't enough. You are supposed to be our 'babe in arms' but instead you are our 'little angel'.

I am empty without you, physically and emotionally. I miss you more than words can say. I wish I could travel back in time, back to when you were okay but I can't. I'm sorry!

Saying goodbye is the hardest thing to do but I never realised just how hard it is until it was time to say goodbye to you. We dressed you in a little 'Peter Rabbit' suit, it was the first thing we ever bought for you. You looked so beautiful and so peaceful. We played Kenny G 'Forever in Love' and Eric Clapton 'Tears in Heaven' and we cried for you, our 'precious' little man who didn't cry and never will.

You are the brightest star in heaven and we will love you always.

Forever in our hearts,

Mummy and Daddy
Susan and Michael Stewart
26-2-96

SANDS (WA) Newsletter March 1996