Tiana Cook

Coming home from the Doctor I explained to my husband Glen that I may take a long time to fall pregnant because I don't have my periods regularly and I wouldn't know if or when I ovulate. We decided if it would take a while we would start trying; to our surprise I fell pregnant three months later. We were both so happy. At about eight weeks I started spotting. We went to KEMH. They said I may miscarry. We were so devastated. After a week the spotting stopped. We got to the three months thinking great, it's all up hill, but I still felt insecure. When I was 25 weeks I went for my monthly check-up. Everything I thought was fine except my weight which I put on heaps. During that week I hadn't felt the baby move as much so I went back to the Doctor. She heard the heart beat then put me on the scales. I had put on 2 1/2 kilos in that week. I was sent for an ultrasound. They found fluid around the baby called polyhydramnios. I was sent straight to KEMH. I stayed overnight. The next morning I was getting very nauseated. They sent me for another ultrasound but I knew something must be wrong. The Doctor took my hand and said "I'm sorry but your baby has no heart beat". I couldn't believe how calm I was. But that's when it hit me. I realised that part of my heart stopped too. Nothing will ever be the same.

Waiting for my husband to come was hard. I didn't know how to tell him. Before he came I rang my sister. All I remember saying was "the baby is dead". We just cried. Then Glen came. I didn't have to say much. He read it on my face. We held each other not knowing what to say. All our dreams were shattered in just one day.

The family came to pay their condolences. I really felt so lucky to have such a great family. My mum and dad were in Europe at the time. They phoned my at the hospital when they found out. They wanted to come back home but I insisted they stay. Then they offered to pay for my trip to join them but I couldn't. It wouldn't be a holiday.

That night I was induced. At 5.05 am on Saturday 25th July, 1992 I gave birth to a still beautiful baby girl which we named Tiana D'Amico Cook. She weighed 1140 grams. I held her and cried. She had a lot of fluid around her and she was so warm but then was getting very cold. I tried so hard to keep Tiana warm in the blanket. I just wanted to hear her cry or open her eyes or drink my milk. My husband held her. We took a few photos. The rest was a blur.

The funeral was beautiful. My grandmother made the most beautiful white gown and cap I had ever seen with lace and bows. She really looked an angel.

After the funeral we had to get away so we went down south for one week. It helped a bit but when we got back that's when it really hit me. After a few weeks that was it. Nobody wanted to talk about it anymore, like Tiana didn't exist. Yes, there was a few people that would but not as many as I would have wanted. All I wanted was Tiana's name mentioned or anything. But they thought if they bring it up it will upset me. I have a diary I started one week after Tiana's birth. I think that's what kept me from going crazy.

Six months after Tiana's birth I fell pregnant again. I was so very happy but of course scared. The last few months I would fake I hadn't felt the baby move, so I would go to the hospital. After about the fourth time I think they caught on but they didn't mind.

After my son Adrian was born I felt very guilty for being really happy. Only a year before I was grieving for my daughter. Now I am here at the same hospital doing the things I only dreamt about doing with Tiana. I couldn't bond with Adrian as quick as I wanted to. It took a few months till I put all my guilt behind me and woke up to myself.

Now Adrian is 2 years old. I have Tiana's ashes in my garden. We go outside together. Adrian kisses the statue and says hello to his big sister.

"Even though some of the pain goes away I'll always know you have part of my heart with you"

I love you forever

Till we meet again

My little angel

Hugs and kisses

Mummy