Ten years on - A journey through grief

My journey began ten years ago, on the 15th October 1986, the day they told us you had died. I wasn't prepared for this journey, no arrangements had been made, and we had no itinerary. I had no idea how long I would travel, or where my journey would take me.

In the beginning I carried you with me, you were so heavy! You weighed me down, and exhausted me.

I didn't stay in one place for long, sometimes going straight on to the next destination, sometimes going back to places I'd already been, maybe more often than I wanted.

There were so many twists and turns in the beginning - so many mountains, so many obstacles that stopped me from moving on.

Some left with me on my journey. Some wanted to travel with me, others came because they were swept along with me, others thought they wanted to come, but left me soon after beginning the journey. Some stayed with me for awhile, and then were left behind, others still catch up with me from time to time. There were others who were on their own journey, and we would travel together for a time, and it was comforting to have these travelling companions.

I began to be able to leave you behind for short periods, while I travelled on. To begin it would only be for short times, but I was able to take longer trips away from you. But I missed you, and I came back and collected you. You weren't so heavy now, you became easier to carry.

My roads became smoother in places, the mountains became hills, and there were less turns. I no longer returned as often, to places I had already been. I had more time to see where I was going.

My journey hasn't ended yet, there is still no end to the road, but I'm comfortable now, and I can, most times, control where I'm going. I don't often revisit places, just occasionally I find myself in a place I have already been, but I am familiar with that place now, and know my way through it.

I'm ten years into my journey and Kiel, you have become a precious memory that I take with me - you're not heavy anymore.

NOELEEN PENTER