Emily's story

Thursday 24th August

I was due for the usual eighteen week ultrasound scan and wasn't at all concerned. I had no inkling that something could be wrong. As per usual, with an ultrasound you have to drink a huge amount of liquid and your bladder doesn't agree so I was absolutely bursting to go to the toilet. I was only waiting 5 minutes until the specialist appeared, so I was very relieved he wasn't running late. In the meantime I was very excited with the fact I was soon to see my baby on the small screen and would be able to see her move and have a scanned photograph to show the other children. We were so looking forward to the arrival of our new baby. The specialist came and said to go into the toilet and let the excess go just a little. I don't think they've ever had to drink that much and let a little go because once you start you feel like never stopping. I laid on the couch and waited patiently because as usual the doctor didn't speak much. Those guys never do, he didn't have my doctor's bedside manner. As he scanned her little legs he typed information into his machine so at this stage I wasn't at all worried, I just relaxed and continued to look at the screen. After about 10 minutes of him scanning the one place over and over I was starting to get very worried as he wasn't typing any information in and had a very worried look on his face. After a little while he looked at me, put his hand on mine and said "I'm sorry, I'm very sorry it looks bad, very bad" and that was all he would say. I asked him over and over what was the problem but he just said he couldn't say and he would speak to my doctor. Minutes later he reappeared to repeat what he'd already told me in his office and that I would be able to speak to my doctor tomorrow at 10.00am and just said sorry.

I left the hospital crying all the way and arrived at my Mum's in hysterics and explained what had happened. She rang the surgery to find out what the problem was but my doctor said it wasn't something that could be explained properly over the phone and he needed to see me in person. That night was absolute hell. Andy was on nightshift and I just didn't want to be alone so I stayed the night at Mum's. Of course I didn't get any sleep that night. I just lay there wondering if she was okay or if there was something wrong with me or if she was dead or alive.

Friday 25th August

Ten o'clock seemed to take forever to come around but I was not at all prepared for what I was about to be told. He asked me if I knew what an Anencephalic baby was. I said no I didn't and he went on to explain. It was one of those situations that you think will never happen to you, I had to decide what to do, whether to terminate now or go full term. The outcome would be the same no matter what. She would die when she was born. The decision was an easy one way but very difficult in many others.

I knew it was the best thing for Emily but in a way I wanted to be selfish and have her for me. I wanted her so much, my precious little baby. At this stage we didn't know if she was a boy or a girl. We discussed her for about an hour and the decisions that had to be made, he said that he didn't want me to decide right away, to talk it over with Andy and come back at 4.00pm. When I arrived home to explain to Andy I just cried and cried. This was one of the worst days of my life. All my dreams and expectations were shattered. It didn't take long to decide. At 4.00pm we arrived at the surgery and talked about her for ages. We both had a million and one questions. My doctor answered them as best he could. I think Andy doubted the ultrasound results at first but after seeing it himself on an ultrasound he was convinced. We had decided the sooner the better so we arranged for the induction of labour to begin at 8.00pm Sunday.

Sunday 27th August

We were told it would take longer than usual because your body just isn't ready for labour. I was so scared. I didn't want this to happen at all. These thing just don't happen to me or people I know was the thought anyway. It always happens to someone else. At eight, my doctor arrived and started things on its way. The epidural was the most painful thing I have ever felt and being terrified probably didn't help. He also had to put up a drip and a catheter inside the vagina into the cervix which has a balloon to dilate the cervix. After everything was done all I could do was wait. Andy stayed by my side the whole time and that meant more to me than words can ever say. It was his support that pulled me through. I know I'll never be able to thank him enough in an entire lifetime for that.

Monday 28th August

Mum came to the hospital at about 9.00am and stayed with me also until the end. At 10.30am my waters broke and that frightened me so much. All of a sudden it was very, very real and there was no turning back. Things started to progress and I started to get contractions. Roz came in with top ups for my epidural every hour. I started losing blood and a lot of it. Close to the end I was getting extremely weak and still losing heaps of blood. I was floating in and out of it and then they gave me oxygen which didn't seem to help. I really appreciated Jodie and Aunty Julie being there for me as well . . . Then they decided to take me off to theatre. Andy looked so scared and didn't want to come with me which was fine. Once inside theatre I remember feeling much more with it. Everyone in there was wonderful and I didn't feel so terrified. the doctor who was doing the anaesthetic asked me if I wanted to be wide awake or drift in and out of sleep. I said I didn't care just let this nightmare be over. I remember thinking this was just like E.R. Apparently after about one hour I woke to see all these people standing around a table in green. The sister came to me and told me that I had a little girl. I had imagined she would have been bigger. I got to hold her and she was just so perfect. I remember thinking she looked asleep.
When I got back to my room everyone was there. I just looked and touched her for about two hours. I remember thinking she was just like Andy, Alison, Danielle and Luke. A bit of everyone. All the people at the birth were there to see her. She was just so beautiful. A real little princess.

We named her Emily Shenae Graham.

She was born on Monday 28th August at 3.00pm and weighed 130 grams and was 20 cm long. I remember getting the high you get with a baby born alive and healthy. It was really strange. I wasn't really sad like I thought I would be, she was just so beautiful.

The next few days were absolute hell. I was very sick and I was finding it very hard to deal with my overwhelming grief. I just wanted her back. Tuesday was difficult as the funeral director came to take her away. I wanted to hang onto her in a way but I knew she had to leave . . . Tuesday night my doctor came in and we talked for ages. He told me that my blood count was very low and if it hadn't picked up by morning I'd need a blood transfusion. Once again I was very scared.

Wednesday 30th August

My doctor came to see me in the morning and I still couldn't get out of bed, he did another blood test and 10 minutes later he had the blood ready to be infused. It felt like ice pumping through my veins. I had three units and as they were putting in the last unit my vein collapsed which was extremely painful, a shooting pain up my arm and across my chest. Sister Janine had warned me about this. My doctor was called and put another IV in the other arm so I could have the remainder of the blood. It was amazing how much stronger I was on the following day. Visitors expected me to be better but I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster never knowing when I'm going to crack. My visitors were seeing the brave Shell but inside I am falling apart.

Friday 1st September

Today is Emily's funeral and I feel all this emotion trapped inside just waiting to come out. My doctor comes to see me once more before I go home, he has been just wonderful. Everything came out at the funeral. It was a lovely service and somehow I feel she is safely in the arms of Dad, I know he is looking after her.

She will always be with me.

Nobody knows the pain I feel inside not having her by my side, she was one very special baby and she will never be forgotten. At the moment I think of her every minute of the day. The pain is like nothing I've ever experienced and sometimes I feel better than other times but I can't get her out of my mind for a second.

Written by Michelle Graham
September 1995