No one expects to bury one of their children. In the natural scheme of things we assume that they will be there to bury us. We planned it that way and so for most of us arranging a funeral is a rather frightening experience. As we are grieving so deeply we are at a loss to know what to do.

Caring relatives and friends often think that by taking over the arrangements they are helping and causing you less stress. However, it is important that you have as much involvement in the farewell of your child as you did in the birth and that your role as parents has not ceased.

The funeral is the last thing that you can do for your beloved child, and we wish you to have as few regrets about it as possible. This is a list of ideas drawn up by other SIDS and Kids parents of options they took up, or wished that they had. Speak with your SIDS and Kids contact, your funeral director and/or minister about these options and they will help you arrange them.

Remember there is no need to hurry. Take the time you need to ensure that your baby's funeral can be the expression of love you wish it to be.

• You may ask the funeral director to take a lock of your child’s hair and some fingernail clippings. Some parents keep these in a locket.
  
• You may place a favourite toy with your child. It can help if you feel he or she has a few comforts from home.
  
• Other children often like to put in a drawing or letter. Some parents find they like to write a poem to their child, or to write about feelings of love, future plans and so on.
  
• If you would like to, it maybe possible for you to dress your child yourself. If not, you can either give the funeral director the clothes you wish your child to wear or have the funeral director to partially dress your child and allow you to finish. Rest assured your child will be dressed with tenderness and care.)
  
• You can take photos of your child. If you cannot do this yourself, ask a friend or relative to do it for you. You may not want to ever look at them, however if the time comes and you do want to, you at least have the opportunity.
  
• You may have your child at home if you wish. Many cultures have a traditional need to spend some time with your child and some parents just like to have him/her home once again.
  
• You may carry your child into the church or chapel. This way, many parents feel assured that their child is being treated as gently as possible.
  
• If you would like to travel with your child to the place of burial or cremation, speak with the funeral director who will arrange for you to drive in their car or your car with your child.
  
• If you have a crucifix on the casket you may request that this be given to you.
  
• A duplicate name-plate can be made for you if you wish.
  
• You may ask for hand and footprints to be taken. The funeral director will take them in ink and place them on a card for you. This is lovely to have for your child’s album.
  
• Some parents have taken the prints a little further and have had them formed in clay, baked and glazed.
  
• Another loving example of contact with the child is to place a piece of jewellery, eg. an earring with the child. The mother may like to retain the other earring. This fosters a belief that you are carrying one half of something physical that is with your child always.
  
• Some parents like to get a tape of the service. Because you are distressed you are often unaware of the details and perhaps at a later stage you would like to hear what happened.
  
• Sometimes parents have a special song for their child and wish it to be played once again.
  
• Flowers from the casket can usually be pressed and framed.
  

If you ever experience difficulty with making your choice or with having your options carried out, please phone SIDS and Kids HUnter Region for assistance. You may find some options carry a small extra charge.

Those who care about you would wish to spare you as much unnecessary upset as possible. Sometimes they might have trouble understanding your desire to take up some of these options, but this is your child and always will be your child. Please follow your own wishes and know that the love you have for your child will be carried with you always.